(2024/07/03)

I was gonna write here about what my favorite musicians are and stuff, but I never finished it and something really fucking bad happened afterwards so I dont feel like finishing it. Anyway uh yeah... I feel like shit.

Also Im surprised at how many views this blog has been getting the past few days. I mean I doubt its considered "a lot" in terms of neocities pages but just seeing that something I made has over 800 views is insane lol. And when I look at all the neocities websites tagged "otherkin" and sort them by amount of views, mine is actually somewhat up there. Pretty cool I guess.

Im also thinking of adding a new page where I put some really funny images Ive made the past couple years. Not really sure if Ill do it now though but I probably will at some point.



Anyway.. I wanna talk more about being otherkin and stuff.
Ive known the term "otherkin" fit me since around january or february 2023, and ever since then I have been constantly trying to find other people like me. Like actually like me, if that makes any sense. Because the weird thing is, no matter how far I look into otherkin communities on the internet, I just... I dont know. I dont even know how to explain it.
Like yeah, Ill ocassionally find someone on some blogging website whos profile says theyre autistic, trans, queer, therian, otherkin, bla bla bla, EVERYTHING I am. But Ill look through their posts (if they have ANY AT ALL... Ill get to that later...) and I just dont really feel anything.
And then after like an hour of searching I find some random persons blog and they have like really cool stuff written on there that I connect with a lot, but its just this one person. Out of literally HUNDREDS, THOUSANDS of profiles Ive looked at. Only one person, and I only connect with some of their writing. Do you understand how lonely that makes me feel?

I dont know. Sometimes I feel like Im asking for too much, like theres no person who is EXACTLY like me. No shit. But like. C'mon... Its not like that. I know its not like that.

I only know one, MAYBE two, otherkin... Online. Yeah, just online. And you'd think "oh there are therians everywhere online! just like you!"- No. There arent. I thought that once too. But I have seen so many people online, I am online A LOT. and I only remotely know one. I have never even actually talked to them.

Its obvious to anyone reading by this point that there aren't any otherkin in my area... Like... seriously... No one. Not even furries.
Apparently there was one furry at my school at some point, but they graduated years ago. From what little I have heard of them, they dont seem to have been similar to me in any way.

And thats it.

There is just no one.

This sucks.

And you'd think that "out of thousands and thousands of people in your area, they are ALL just humans who are NOTHING like you? there is no way at least ONE of those people isnt a furry, or otherkin, or has that weird shit in your head that youve never seen in anyone else before. there's gotta be someone."

Yeah.

Youre right.
There is one person.

Its me.

I am the one person.



Sorry if this rant is so "edgy" or whatever. I dont really care... This is stuff I genuinely feel and have felt for years.

Anyway uhh yeah bye :3



Actually yknow what fuck it Im gonna keep writing.
So I said earlier that I would "get to that later" about how there are barely any otherkin posting stuff online or whatever. I almost forgot to actually get back to that.
As I said before, I have looked through A Lot of otherkin blogs, forums, communities in general, and from what Ive seen, barely anybody on any of these places has been active on it since like, at most 2022, especially with forums I have found. There is a whole wiki I found where pretty much NOTHING had changed since at most 2014, and many blogs I have found on another site were only made in like 2013, updated for a few months, and then never updated again since then. Im finding it hard to actually explain this stuff the way I want to here. But you'd probably understand what Im saying.

Sorry to go full on "ohhh tiktok is baddd current internet is bad!!!" here but pretty much all of the otherkin I see now are just people I hear are on tiktok and shit like that. Temporary internet where all you do is exaggerate everything to the purest of emotions and then saturate them further as much as you can. At least thats what Ive heard of places like tiktok, Ive never used them. One of my friends who uses tiktok told me recently that they "might have found some people like you", and I was like "WHAT. no fucking way..." and then imagine the disappointment on me when they responded with "but... theyre on tiktok" and then they told me the "trending tag" for it and it is some bullshit. Searched it up on the internet and found some of the worst things imaginable and then my friend told me to just search up the tag on tumblr to avoid seeing more of that, and then it was just the same "wow these tumblr posts have absolutely nothing to do with this tag" or "oh this person just made that post because it was a random goofy thought they had in their head and they dont actually believe what they just said"
And then after all that searching, I just ended up in the same exact place I had gotten to before in ALL of my searching attempts: witch blogs on tumblr.


If it isnt obvious, Im not even really talking about otherkin anymore. Im talking about something even deeper to me, extremely connected to me being otherkin, and that is apparently so rare that I have never seen any single person in my entire life even think about.

To put it in simple terms that you might? have heard before (i doubt it): animism.
But like, real animism. Like when you actually believe that Animals and Plants and Bugs and Trees (yes, I capitalize all of these words) are people. Like actually believing that FULLY.
Have you ever been in love with a Tree so much that you would die for her. That is not even a question actually. Because you haven't. I have. I AM.


Sometimes I think I am schizophrenic, and I most likely am honestly, but like. Dude c'mon. Doesn't that make sense? What I just said there?

At least a bit of sense?

...

Anyway, Im listening to the album "selected ambient works 85-92" by aphex twin, while writing this. I love aphex twin. Im currently on the track "schottkey 7th path". Neat song for what Ive been writing so far. I recommend listening to the track "heliosphan" while reading this whole entry. It really fits it honestly.



I dont know if I should even be putting this shit on the internet. Like I dont know if its safe for me or if I should even be allowing people to think about this whole "animism" thing as more than just a silly wikipedia term or something you can plaster on a tumblr post and call it a day. I dont know. I wouldnt even call what Ive been trying to describe "animism". I dont think it should have any term. I think it should be a given. An "obviously" thing. But it isnt. In fact nobody knows about this, somehow.

I dont fucking know dude what if Im just schizo and Ive made all this shit up for some reason. What are you guys thoughts on this honestly, maybe say something about this in the chat on the index page, I dunno. I just need someone to acknowledge that like.

Yknow what, if I am schizophrenic and just making all this shit up... Then being schizo is awesome. And "making all this shit up" has led me to the best experiences in my life with someone I love to death, while also bringing the most heart-wrenching realizations ever, that like in every place you have walked in your entire life, there used to be people there. They werent human people. They are Trees. And if you sit still and think, you can feel them. They give you your thoughts as you sit there and you should give them back to them. And the fact that there are Trees here right now and that they are all dying and just. Look. If you are at home right now reading this, go look outside the nearest window or something and if t

Fuck.

Dude I seriously cannot write any more. I am so fucking burnt out from trying to write all this. Appreciate sleep. I never seem to get to.
Im going to bed.. goodnight :3

And anyway if you guys liked this whole post then tell me in the chat in the index page like I said before. I really need some feedback tbh. Also I do genuinely mean all those things I said. Seriously.

I will definitely write more about this kinda stuff in future entries, I think. I want to expand more on this and keep talking about all the stuff I sort of left off on, or left out in this entry.

Hopefully I will be feeling better tomorrow. I very well might not be.
I wanna cry.